One Neurotic Bitch

November 9, 2011

I live with a neurotic bitch, who also happens to have an eating disorder.  I’m talking about my dog, Murphy.  She is quite simply, nuts.


Here's Murphy looking a little guilty about something.

And, her eating disorder is driving me nuts!  We go through the same thing every morning.

I place her organic California Gold food in her bowl.  I nonchalantly pat her head and say, “Go eat Murph. Go on.”  I casually walk away, careful not to make eye-contact with her, and pray I will start to hear those munching sounds.

Nothing.  I hear nothing.  The anxiety inside starts to build.  She won’t eat.  I give her some time, careful to ignore the bowl of food.  Of course, I don’t want to reinforce this kind of behavior.  I know what she’s waiting for.  She wants her topping.  I finally relent and get the parmesan cheese.  I sprinkle a little on and she starts to eat.  Oh, thank you.

Now, if she doesn’t get the parmesan cheese, what might happen, you ask?  Well, she sniffs at her expensive bowl of organic food several times, and not smelling what she wants, won’t eat.  Eventually, she throws up from extreme nausea.

But, If we throw a little grilled chicken on top, she’ll eat.  If Mark tosses a little steak her way, she’ll eat.  A whiff of popcorn, and she’s at your feet waiting patiently for anything she can scarf down.

I haven’t even started to tell you what happens when the mailman approaches the door.  Apparently, Murphy is terrified of our mail slot.

Then, we have the mail itself.  When the mail comes through the slot, she’s growling and barking, and then attacking my People magazine and latest Container Store catalogue.  They’re all tattered and ripped and I can only read the articles up to a point.  Bitch.

This brings me to her craziness with the doorbell.  That thing rings, and she’s off like Secretariat.  She’s barking so loud, I’m surprised the neighbors have yet to complain.  If we’re watching TV and a doorbell rings on whatever show, she goes nuts.

And, just for shits and giggles, Mark likes to give the wall a knock or two just to see her get all riled up.  For some bizarre reason, he finds this hysterical.

Obviously, we all have our hang-ups and hot-buttons.  And, she’s no different than any other “bitch” I know.  So, with all her peculiarities and annoying behavior, I love her.  Neurosis and all.



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